Now is a good time to review some of April’s news and what we may come to expect for May. Note that these items are not sorted in way to indicate importance (or non-importance) in any manner. They might indicate the workings of my sometimes whacky mind but that’s a blog for another day.
New York Yankees
April was not the kindest month for Georgie’s expensive toy. When you get more coverage in the AMA medical journals than the back pages of the New York Post or Daily News you have to know that something is wrong in Denmark and it’s not the knot holes in their wooden shoes. So George’s immediate solution is to fire the trainer. Tell me again how many games did the trainer blow when he masqueraded as Mariano Rivera? Anyway the search is on for a new trainer. I respectfully suggest George search for a physician that specializes in removing heads from asses. The two worst cases needing this treatment which I believe is called a cranialrectalobotomy are Carl Pavano and Brian Cashman. Carl (dubbed American Idle by my good friend Don) hasn’t decided yet whether he is a pitcher for the New York Yankees or a test dummy for Einstein Medical Center. I would also like to know what Cashman was drinking when he decided that a platoon of Josh Phelps and Doug Mientkiewicz was adequate enough to play first base. The ghosts of Lou Gehrig and Don Mattingly they are not.
Now that the “Rocket” will be (re)joining the Yankees at the end of the month, it would be a good time to ask the Commissioner’s office if Geritol (a/k/a Steroids for Seniors) is on its list of performance enhancing drugs.
Paris Hilton
I guess it’s immaterial whether Paris was pulled over for DUI or DWS (Driving While Stupid), the bottom line is that she will be relocating to a designer 8” x 12” jail cell for a month and a half. To all the Paris fans don’t be sad there are some positives to take from this event. She will not have to decide if she should go out panty less at night. She won’t be confused for a month and a half whether red or white wine is appropriate with her prison fare. Expect upon her release a new line of designer license plates to purchase. Expect also three new episodes for her reality road show series entitled “Paris does Penal Potty Training”. I would mention the new porn video which is expected in July but I really do want to retain my PG rating for this blog.
Rudy Giuliani
We always knew Rudy was a fabulous entertainer (think of his act as a cross dresser on SNL) but now we learn he is also a great mimic as well. His imitation of a Kerry flip flop is nothing but amazing. To remind everyone, Kerry voted FOR the war in Iraq BEFORE he voted against the war. Rudy had NO problem with abortion and a woman’s right to choose until he was against it. Rudy, I think you should remind yourself how well that worked out for Kerry. Take my advice, shit or get off the pot. Now that I am in an advice giving mood, stop thinking that your war against squeegee people qualifies you to be the only person in the world capable of conducting the war on terror. Your placing your “command office’ in so obvious a target as the WTC will not go down as the most brilliant decision in history. Wasn’t the 1993 incident an obvious clue? Not to mention the urgency you placed on getting the fire department better radios for their use in tragedies like this. Despite your handling of NYC on 9/11/2001, let’s not forget another brilliant idea that followed was your suggestion that the laws of NYC be ignored and your term of office should continue. Had that been accomplished how can that not be interpretated as the terrorists winning. Our Constitution is a bit stronger than you are willing to give it credit for.
Receiving honorable mention
Brady Quinn – For those people still upset that the All-American quarterback from Notre Dame dropped to the 22nd pick in the NFL draft, you can form a line to the right and help him carry his millions to the bank.
Larry Burkhart – Congratulations on winning the Nicole Smith baby DNA lottery. I hope someone told you that you also won the title of father and not just the title of the baby’s banker. Reality is a bitch sometimes.
Imus & Sharpton – Hey Mr. Imus, for all the pandering and groveling you did to that snake oil salesman, how come you didn’t have the balls to ask Al when he was going to apologize to Steven Pagones or the Duke students that he was ready to lynch?
Bush & Gonzalez - OOOOPS
