The real debate we want to see

Gasbag productions (a conglomerate of CNN, MSNBC and CNN) are proud to present tonight’s debate between the candidates in search of their respective party’s nomination for POTUS. In an attempt to “educate” the sheeple of the US, we have extended our invitations to candidates of of the main parties. Hosting tonight’s discussion is the CEO of Gasback productions Tweety “Blitz” O’Liely a/k/a TBO.

TBO: It is fitting tonight that Gasbag Productions has accumulated an All-Star team of America’s gasbags here at BullShit stadium. This alone disproves the theory that you can’t put 100 pounds of shit in a 50 pound bag. We can and we did. So take that mathematicians and scientists and stick it where the sun doesn’t shine. To start, we have asked each candidate if they wish to make an opening statement before the discussion formally begins.

RG: Change, change, change and 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9,11.

HC: Change, change, change, change and I would never play the gender card. (sob, sob)

MH: Change, change, change and I found Jesus at band camp (hidden in the tuba)

DK: Change, change, change and I am not an elf, just vertically challenged.

MR: Change, change, change and I challenge Edwards to a hairstyling contest.

JE: Change, change, change and I accept Romney’s challenge only if he adds hair coloring to that challenge.

JM: Change, change, change and I will not play the POW card because I find it difficult to raise my arms.

BO: Change, change, change and I will not play the race card if I can show off some cool dance steps.

FT: Change, change, change and I will not play the TV star card and my wife is more a trophy wife than DK’s.

RP: Change, change, change and I will not play the Nazi card despite my endorsement by Psycho Incorporated.


TBO: Thank you lady and gentlemen for your remarks. I can’t help but notice seeing how I am so superior in intelligence that “change” is the main theme in the 2008 nominations. I know you can change your underwear occasionally, change the baby’s diaper, change your mind or make change for a super size order of fries, but what does “change” mean to you?

HC: DUH and I would never burn my bra.

MK: DUH and Jesus might have been in the saxophone.

BO: DUH and I learned my dance steps from Soul Train.

FT: DUH and my trophy wife has nicer tatas.

JE: DUH and I’m a natural blonde.

MR: DUH and my salt and pepper hair can’t be added to your meat loaf recipe.

DK: DUH and my wife is a Martian where tatas are irrevalent.

RP: DUH and my newsletter of 20 years running is not my “stated” opinion.

JM: DUH and I couldn’t change my underwear in the Hanoi Hilton.

RG: DUH and 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11.


TBO: Now that we now know what change means to everyone we can continue. Wait a minute, we seem to have a disturbance in the back of the room. Ralph Nadar is shouting something I can barely make out. Something about change meaning screwing up the voting once again. Sorry Ralphie, you have had your 15 minutes of fame and if you want change, buy a Pinto. I see that time has run out this evening and I invite our listeners to stay tuned for the after debate discussion with our Gasbag experts telling us what the candidates really meant in their various statements. Following their analysis will be a documentary entitled Brittany, Brittany, Brittany and Family Values. You don’t want to miss that. Before we leave, I notice that some of our candidates want to make a last statement.

MH: Jesus might have been in the trumpet. You know how all those “horns” look alike.

RG: 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11 and don’t forget 9/11.


TBO: Good night and good luck to all the ships at sea.